Have you ever thought that what our movement is lacking was a tune to sing along to about our predicament? Some kind of aromantic song?
Well, if you have, it’s here.
Thanks to Fonzarelli!
Author: Aro
A song about being aromantic
11 common misconceptions about aromanticism
There are many misconceptions that aro folk have to deal with when they come out. Some people think we’re incapable of loving anybody, while others think our lives are this way because we are desperately damaged.
In this post, we will look at some of the common misconceptions about aromanticism. Add any others in the comments or on our social media feeds.
- That something terrible must have happened to us to make us like this. Now, sure, there are plenty of abuse survivors in the aromantic community but this is because, if you dig deep enough, there are plenty of abuse survivors in nearly every community. The two things might correlate but that does not imply that one caused the other. And if abuse caused aromanticism, there would be plenty of bewildered aros out there who are not survivors of abuse, wondering how they got there, and there would be lots of survivors wondering why they weren’t aromantic. Aromanticism is valid. It does not represent damage.
That aromantic people are childlike and that their lack of interest in romantic relationships shows a lack of development into full adulthood. This does not represent what real-life aromanticism is like. Many aromantics are not asexual and have sexual relationships that are very much not childish or underdeveloped and even those who are asexual carry out fully adult lives, just missing out this one thing that many others find so key.- That people who are aromantic but not asexual are sluts or players if they engage in casual sex with someone they are not romantically involved with. Actually, they are acting like adults and putting their needs and desires before outdated societal stereotypes.
- That aromantic people are incapable of loving anybody else. The truth is that we probably love our BFFs and our nieces and our dogs and our teachers and that movie star and the singer we can’t stop listening to… It goes on and on. Our love is felt just as intensely, just as meaningfully, as people who aren’t aromantic.
- That aromantic people “just haven’t met the right person yet”. I know asexual folk get this one too, and it is offensive, just like it’s offensive to suggest that a lesbian “just hasn’t met the right man yet”. Trust us to know our own orientations and preferences. Things can always change, of course, but if we say we are aro, it’s not because of a lack of eligible bachelor/ettes.
- That we can’t know we are aromantic because if we avoid relationships, we don’t know what we’re missing. That’s like suggesting that the only reason somebody doesn’t want to eat a cockroach is because they have avoided eating them in the past.
- That there is no such thing as an aromantic woman. Um, hi.
That aromanticism doesn’t exist and is not a real thing, it was just made up for the Tumblr generation. The fact is that, if it didn’t exist, there wouldn’t be so many people relating to it. People don’t assign themselves a label for the sake of it, they do so because it fits their lives in a way that the usual tropes just do not. We have a sense of recognition of a shared experience with each other, especially one that movies and books just don’t reflect.- That there is only one way to be aromantic. In fact, aromanticism, like other romantic and sexual identities, is a spectrum. Some people are repulsed by the idea of romance, others rather wish they could be romantic, they just can’t find it in themselves. I’ve had a couple of successful relationships, not everyone can do that, and none of us are any more or less valid for it.
- That we need to be “fixed”. We are not broken, this is just the way we are. Like I’m not “broken” for being gay, I’m also not broken for being aro. This worried me a lot but my interaction with the Struggle Bus Podcast helped to reassure me, and made me realise that I’m just fine as I am. It’s a different way to be but it’s not wrong.
- That aromantic people are all asexual, and vice versa. There are people who are aro/ace combos, but plenty of asexual people feel romantic love, and plenty of aromantic people feel sexual attraction. There is a feeling that it is understood that asexual people may be aromantic or alloromantic, whereas for aros, it is assumed we are “probably” asexual, when that is just not true. Allosexual aromantic people exist, and we need to make a space for ourselves in society. It’s not that we don’t want to be associated with asexuality awareness, we just don’t want to subsumed by it.
Are aromantics heartless?
Are aromantics heartless? Are we incapable of love? Are we some kind of psychopath who just can’t feel the love that everybody else enjoys in their lives?
Thankfully, the answer to each of those questions is a big, juicy NO. We are capable of so much deep love, we just don’t point it in a romantic direction. But our friends? Our families (including chosen families)? Our favourite artists and writers and scientists? Our beloved pets?
We. Love. Them.
We love deeply, where it is deserved. We may find no appeal in the one kind of love that typifies romance, but there are many different types of love and nowhere near enough words for them in the English language!
Collins suggests the following, and it still feels inadequate:
- adore
- care for
- treasure
- cherish
- prize
- worship
- be devoted to
- be attached to
- be in love with
- dote on
- hold dear
- think the world of
- idolize
- feel affection for
- have affection for
- adulate
- LUV.
They had hundreds more suggestions, check them out here. Maybe meditate on a few and consider which words you would use to describe your feelings for different people in your life.
If somebody has made you feel like being aromantic must mean you have no love inside you, you will see that it is not the case. You are not heartless.
Squishes
Many aromantic people also have things called squishes, which are like crushes, but not for romantic partners. Instead, they might describe the feelings you have for – or the relationship you want with – somebody you’d love to have as a best friend or sleepover buddy. This can include cuddles, meals out and cosy Netflix nights in. There will be more on squishes on this site soon. (If you have anything you’d like to say about them, or anything else related to aromanticism, contact me about a guest blog spot).
Rejection
Something else that can make aromantic people feel heartless is if they have to turn someone down who asks them on a date. It’s never an enjoyable task and, if you have to do it repeatedly (because you resolutely don’t want to be dating), it can have an impact on your self-esteem as well as being a bummer for the dumpee.
Remind yourself that you are taking care of yourself, and that you are entitled to turn as many people down as you want to. No means no, and it doesn’t even require an explanation.
Tell your aromantic story
Some people like to talk about every detail of their personal lives, while others keep quiet about everything that isn’t absolutely necessary to say out loud. But having the ability to tell our stories, as members of the aromantic community (as well as possibly other intersected communities, for instance that I am a lesbian and a woman and disabled – these are all intersecting identities) can help to validate our experiences and, additionally, ease the passage of someone else who has not yet discovered their aromanticism, or who have not yet dared to tell anybody.
Validate and empower your own identity
A lot of people have never heard of the word ‘aromantic’, and even more believe they have never met an aromantic person. (They probably have, they just don’t know it.)
By talking about your aromanticism, you have the opportunity to educate people. You are not obliged to do so – the internet allows everyone to educate themselves if they want to – but, if you find it gratifying to teach people about something new, it can be a great way to validate your aromantic identity.
Plus, it is empowering to turn something (that started off perhaps terrifying and shameful in your mind) around and make it something you are open and honest about. That will give you pride and strength in a way that pre-out you couldn’t have ever imagined.
Encourage others to speak out and feel the benefits
When you speak out, you might well inspire those who feel timid to the point where they consider speaking out themselves. You are paving the way for so many to follow you and, in these relatively early days when aromanticism and other states such as asexuality are being first spoken about, there are a lot of aros and aces who have never heard their situations being discussed by people experiencing the same thing as they are.
So, when you speak out, you can encourage others to follow your lead.
Give a voice to those who are silenced
When somebody gets their voice out there and talks about issues relating to minority communities, all members of those communities can benefit. Some people don’t want to speak out, and others do not dare to; there should never be any pressure to come out about, or talk about, anything that is just too difficult for the individual to discuss.
But if you – a real-life aro yourself – are speaking out, those aros who are in intolerable or unsustainable situations can both feel and be heard, through your words.
An invitation…
If you are feeling inspired to speak out, one way to do it is to write a guest post for this blog. You can do so anonymously or using your real name or a pseudonym. If there are words you want the world to see on the topic of aromanticism, contact me here.
How to know if you are aromantic
Do you feel completely bewildered when your friends and family talk excitedly about falling in love? Do you shudder at the thought of reading a romance book or watching a romantic comedy? Does the thought of going on a blind date, or having a partner move into your home, fill you with more horror than you would like to admit to?
If so, there’s a chance you may be aromantic, or aro.
If you are questioning whether or not you are aro, it’s probably sensible to start with a definition. One website describes it like this:
An aromantic person is an individual who does not experience romantic love or attraction, although this does not preclude them from feeling other forms of love or attraction, such as platonic love. Keep in mind, aromanticisim is a spectrum, so people may experience different forms of attraction, but still consider themselves to be aromantic.
Aromantics may be interested in relationships without romance involved, such as platonic life partnerships. Platonic, for lack of better definition, is like friendship.
Aromantics may feel sexual attraction or be on the asexuality spectrum. Being aromantic does not determine sexuality but can impact a person’s ability to act on their sexuality.
Aromantic is sometimes abbreviated as “aro”. And aromanticism is the noun that refers to aromantics.
If that resonates with you, you need to start finding out more. There are many sub-categories of aromanticism so, if the broad definition doesn’t feel quite right, read descriptions of those, which are more specific, to see if any of those click with you.
Read, read, read. Find out everything you can and see whether it seems to fit your life.
It could also be really useful to talk with someone, especially someone who has an understanding of what being aromantic means. You could even break the ice by giving them an article to read first, then explain that you think this is affecting you.
The prospect of this conversation might feel awful to you, but having people on side is vital to our self-esteem and self-acceptance. Like with most ‘comings out’, there will be fear and anxiety, but it might well feel important to you to know that there are people who know who you truly are.
Of course, you don’t need to tell anybody yet – or tell anybody at all. It’s entirely up to you to work out what feels safest.
If, after reading and talking and reading and talking some more, you decide that you are aromantic, you can start to explore what this means for you. You will be able to start to make decisions about how you want your future and your relationships (platonic or romantic or sexual) to look, and this is empowering, wherever you are in your process of self-discovery.
Question about being aromantic on the Struggle Bus podcast
The thing that put my self-acceptance into motion was an email I sent to the podcast The Struggle Bus. It’s a kind of intersectional audio problem page with two women answering listener questions in a way that is sensitive about sexuality and all of the ‘isms’, and I was desperate to get an answer to a question.
But I didn’t dare say it in real life.
What I wanted to know was whether aromanticism was something I should be trying to fix in myself, or whether it was just who I was and nothing to worry about.
The email I sent to them, which was read out on the show, said this:
Subject line: Help! Aromantic – do I need to be fixed?
Hi Sally and Kate!
I’m a long-time listener to the show and wanted to get in touch about something I’ve not felt able to talk to anyone about.
I’m a lesbian and when I was a teenager, I pretended to be straight (to myself as well as the world). I pretended to fancy boys and I assumed that all my friends were also pretending to fancy boys. I dated, felt nothing, finished with them, dated more, ended it, you get the picture.
This left me with a weird feeling that all relationships were fake. We all just made it up and pretended it was real.
In my late teens I left home and came out as a lesbian. I fell in love with a woman, let’s call her Penny. We dated for a few years and when it ended, it broke my heart. I was in so much pain, but I was also in shock – I had no idea that heartbreak was a real thing until then, because of my theory that every relationship was faked!
Over the next few years I dated a few women but never felt much so the relationships never ended up lasting. I was fine with that. I was dating because I felt I should, and it was just what people did. Later, in my late twenties, I fell in love again. Let’s call her Julia. We were together for several years and since we broke up, I have been single. I have hook-ups for sex but am not interested in anything more in-depth.
Over the last few years, as I’ve been single, it has been clear to me that other than the two times I was truly in love, with Penny and Julia, I have had no interest in romantic relationships at all. I’m fine with being single. I don’t seek out a girlfriend. I periodically have sex, which is fine, but I don’t want more than that.
Then I came across the term aromantic – or aro – and realised that that was what I was. I’m definitely not asexual, but where romance is concerned, it’s like you could attach me to any number of machines and it would show zero response. I feel like if I met someone as a friend and fell in love with them, like with Penny and Julia, I could have a relationship again, but I’m not seeking this out and I don’t really care if this happens.
The thing is the people around me think I must be sad or lonely being single. Also, all the single people I know are desperate to meet their other half! It really is just me in all the lesbian social groups who’s not looking for a spouse.
I haven’t mentioned the word aromantic to anyone, I feel like I’d need to explain something that I don’t fully understand myself.
My question for you is this: is this something that is wrong with me? Is this something I should be trying to fix? Or is it just a different state of being that is fine and good?
Thank you so much.
The amazing thing is that they read it out and answered, giving their perspectives. You can listen to their sage words here and just go for it and subscribe here. You can also read more about my own story here.
If I hadn’t written to them and had such a thoughtful and sensitive answer, I’d have probably tried to forget about the whole aromantic thing and carry on denying it was an issue. But, thanks to them, I didn’t, and so they are partly responsible for this site existing at all.
Big thanks to Kate and Sally.
I hate romcoms so much that my aromanticism should have been obvious
God, I hate a romantic comedy. The two people who argue a lot at the beginning are going to be together by the end of the film, with lots of pointless shenanigans having taken place in the meantime. More arguments, increasing amounts of flirting, and attempted (and failed) misdirection of the audience all take place in the middle third of the movie.
I can’t stand it.
In the days when I would still agree to watch them, I would will the director to take it a different way. To subvert the genre and give me a genuinely shocking ending where the ‘couple’ agree with each other that they’ve done so much disagreeing that getting together at that point would be misguided at best. Or where one of them would join a polyamorous commune, leaving the other weeping and heartbroken.
Enough sickly happiness!
Yet the wild success of romcoms mean that I am very much in a minority, and I imagine that this can only be because of my own aromanticism. If I cannot comprehend the attraction of romantic relationships, then dedicating 90 minutes of my life to watching a hapless couple seek one is always going to be a disaster. I only wish I had known about the existence of aromantic people years ago, and put two and two together before yet another friend suggested a trip to the cinema to go and see the latest beautiful woman fall embarrassingly in love with an inept but somehow charming leading man.
But if you know of any brilliantly subversive rom coms, however, let me know in the comments below or on Twitter.
Relating to romantic people
As an aromantic person, I have never understood the appeal of romance. Sure, chocolates and flowers are nice enough but feeling obliged to be with one person predominantly is a bit tiresome. The feelings that accompany the gifts can feel suffocating and oppressive, and the rituals and rules around romance are completely mystifying.
So it’s safe to say that I often cannot relate to my friends and family when they are excited about a wedding or a proposal or a new relationship. And I often worry that I pull a face when they talk about these things but, if I do, it is mostly because I am confused.
I try to hide those bewildered reactions but I suspect they sneak through, and I don’t want those I love to think that I disapprove of their plans or that I don’t care that they are happy and in love.
Marriage, for an aromantic person, is just like particle physics
The way I think of it is to imagine a friend telling me that they have decided to go to university to study particle physics. I know nothing about particle physics, I can’t think of much that sounds more boring, and I have no idea what they are getting themselves into. I might even pull a shocked-and-confused face when I hear their news.
BUT I trust that they have made the right decision for themselves, I am excited that they are going to do something they really feel passionate about, and I am ready and keen to support them on the inevitable difficult days.
It’s the same with relationships. If you’re getting married, I don’t understand it and it doesn’t appeal to me at all. But if I love you, I want you to do what you want to do, and how it would feel for me to do that thing is entirely irrelevant.
I’m happy that you’re happy, so bring out some champagne.